The holidays can be a difficult time. Add to that the resurgence of COVID-19. We are experiencing unprecedented hardship and we’re struggling to cope. Many of us hoping to be with family have had flights cancelled. Those spending time with family are afraid of creating partisan rifts. And those without the ability to see family suffer from loneliness.
It’s been two years since I’ve seen my family. I am stuck on the other side of the globe, unable to visit Australia due to a combination of border restrictions and visa complications. Other than my partner, there is nobody I am closer to than my family. When I visit home, my soul is revitalized by the unconditional love and belonging I feel. As the months and years go by, it deflates.
As a social species, we are ill-equipped to deal with the extended social distancing COVID-19 has required of us. Without the coping mechanisms our bodies and minds have evolved to need — a tight hug or a shoulder to cry on — we are flailing.
Dr. Kristin Neff, Ph.D, one of the world’s leading researchers on Self-Compassion might be on to what we need to get us through. She has spent her career exploring how we can extend compassion — the feeling of sharing another’s suffering and the motivation to relieve that suffering — to ourselves. We can be exactly what we need during this time.
Neff finds that there are three core components of self-compassion: Mindfulness, Self-Kindness, and Common Humanity.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the awareness and nonjudgmental acceptance of what’s occurring in the present moment. Neff explores a human tendency of ‘overidentification’, where our sense of self becomes so wrapped up in our emotional reactions that our entire reality is consumed by them.
Being mindful provides an incredible sense of freedom because it means we don’t have to intertwine every passing emotion with who we are, just recognize it as what it is, an emotion that we feel in the present moment.
We can practice mindfulness through meditation or any activity that creates a sense of equanimity. For me, I have found a new sense of calm when I run while listening to Coach Bennet and Andy Puddicombe on the Nike Run Club app.
Self-Kindness
Kindness and nurturance are not new concepts to any of us. They are part of our biological nature and what keeps us alive from birth through childhood.
Self-kindness is the active comfort, care, and understanding we show ourselves when we are suffering. It is not indulgence, laziness, or not taking responsibility for our actions. By speaking to ourselves with kindness rather than the self-critical voice we too often adopt, we take the self-imposed stress out of our lives. If you, like me, justify that this self-criticizing voice creates motivation, research actually shows that motivation can be equally as powerful with self-kindness and it actually leads to better long-term outcomes.
By practicing kindness with ourselves, we also obtain a powerful perspective. We are no longer completely absorbed in suffering because we are also providing comfort at the same time. Stepping out allows us to recognize there is more to me than the pain I am feeling right now. I am also the heartfelt response to that pain.
Common Humanity
Common humanity is the acknowledgement of the interconnected nature of our lives.
When I took Neff’s self-compassion test, my clear outlier was Common Humanity. Like many of us, I realized I focused my compassion on others, yet I consistently struggle with feeling lonely. Neff’s take on this one blew my mind.
When we want to learn about others, we undoubtedly ask them questions about how different people and events have shaped them and ultimately influence the way they think. We understand that the person they are is inextricably interwoven with their histories.
Yet, when we judge ourselves, we typically assume there is a separate, clearly bounded entity, “me” that can be blamed for failing. But if we truly accept the inextricable nature of humanity— that who individuals are, how individuals think, and what individuals do, are interwoven with other people and events — it actually makes the assignment of blame ambiguous. This is part of the interconnectedness of humankind.
We understand that all humans are fallible. If we can remind ourselves in moments of failure that that is part of the shared human experience, then that moment becomes one of connectedness rather than isolation.
Despite my efforts to improve my own compassion, until I came across Neff’s work, I was never aware I could also be compassionate towards myself. Many of the principles I was taught around compassion didn’t seem like they could apply to one’s self. But Neff’s research, particularly in the domain of common humanity, has provided me a new toolkit to approach my own struggle.
Life is difficult right now. Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Your struggle shows that you are human and that you are connected to all of us in this intricate web of humanity.
I still don’t know if I will be able to go back to Australia in the foreseeable future and it wears on me everyday. But at least now I know I can hold that discomfort with care and compassion.
